Dearest Gentle Reader,

As I wrap up watching the latest season of Bridgerton, I am afraid this pop culture juggernaut has touched a nerve. In this latest season, the author of the infamous Lady Whistledown gossip column is unmasked. It is revealed that the most unlikely female character who has been overlooked for years is actually the cunning writer behind the scenes. While I do not consider myself a wallflower, I too have felt invisible for quite some time. Even as my reach on social media expands, I feel like I have been whispering into the wind. Those days are over.

You see I have filled my content with tastefully curated thoughts and anecdotes, so as not to rock the boat too much. I have written about my experience in the deconditioning process and talked about how I want to help women by creating community for us to heal our collective sister wounds. I do not regret expressing any of this, but it feels like a far cry from what I ACTUALLY want to say.

We are all electrical grids. Our aura’s are our electromagnetic field of influence which puts off a unique frequency. But this frequency is just a potential. As we grow older we encounter resistance to our frequency and we internalize it. Our minds make us believe that our frequency is somehow wrong or unwanted. So we compensate and go against our true nature as a matter of survival. Over time this overriding of our soul’s integrity becomes who we are.

I heard a great analogy about conditioning recently. When weather conditions are harsh, we adjust to them accordingly by putting on more layers to keep warm. However, when the weather changes and we no longer need the layers, we know to take them off. Unfortunately we don’t have the same wherewithal when it comes to the patterns we adopt as kids and adolescence. We wear the same protective layers into adulthood which are no longer appropriate and are now suffocating us.

I’m not sure why, but we don’t talk much about the process of deconditioning. Perhaps it’s because most analysts I know use source material in their Human Design practice, and Ra’s role was to deliver us this system, not to teach deconditiong. He never had to go through this 7 year process. The 8 day experience he had with “the voice” was something he almost did not survive. This information was not downloaded, it was placed in him. Since we hold old memories in the water in our cells, the forces had to remove all the water from his body and replace it with the water that held the information Human Design offers. It sounds very unpleasant, but nothing to compare with what we all have to go through.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I have known this for a long time, and yet I find myself comparing myself to other coaches and spiritual teachers all the time. I’ve often wished that I could be more carefree and goofy like the others. If I could just twerk for my audience they could see how deconditioned I am. If I could wear a bikini on social media it would prove that I love myself. The truth is, none of these things have ever felt aligned. Because the real me is much deeper than that. I don’t want to be free like them, I want to be free like me. 

My sun personality position is gate 48. This is the gate of depth, the well. It is in line 6 which is called “self fulfillment.” It is an undiminishable resource for wisdom and can see the patterns of the collective in a profound way. This is the depth I’ve been hiding for fear that it is “too much” for people. That my heaviness is unwelcome. That what I see is too intense for people to digest. But I can hide no more. 

I am the child of immigrant parents, and as such there has always been a pressure on me to “make something of myself.” Not because my parents couldn’t, quite the contrary. My father is a tenure professor of theoretical computer science at the University of Chicago and my mother holds a PhD in child psychology. They are high achieving people who expected us (my brothers and I) to be the same. To add to this conditioning, we attended the prestigious private school called The University of Chicago Laboratory School. This was a school for the high achieving kids of high achieving parents; the children of professors, surgeons, lawyers, and businessmen. 

This was the first place I became aware of the stark contrast between my family’s financial status vs those of my classmates. I was at this school on a scholarship because of my father, while others were being chauffeured around in limos and had nannies looking after them. One of my friends had her own floor in their mansion while my brothers shared a room in our apartment.

We are all multifaceted beings and we deserve all the support to cope with thing we call life. Human Design has changed my life and opened me up like nothing else could. Yet there is a lot more to my story that reaches beyond this system. Let me elaborate…

I am continuing to integrate and sort through all the things that are moving through me after the Human Design Conference I attended in Santa Fe. In particular right now I am mulling over a panel discussion entitled ‘Healing and the 9 Centered Being.’ The panel focused mostly on Human Design of course, but one person brought up the fact that his healing came through some different modalities. He said it in passing and it was never discussed further…but I wish it had been.