We Don’t Talk Enough about Deconditioning…

I’m not sure why, but we don’t talk much about the process of deconditioning. Perhaps it’s because most analysts I know use source material in their Human Design practice, and Ra’s role was to deliver us this system, not to teach deconditiong. He never had to go through this 7 year process. The 8 day experience he had with “the voice” was something he almost did not survive. This information was not downloaded, it was placed in him. Since we hold old memories in the water in our cells, the forces had to remove all the water from his body and replace it with the water that held the information Human Design offers. It sounds very unpleasant, but nothing to compare with what we all have to go through.

Ra taught Human Design because he wanted others to have the information he was given. However, I have found that learning Human Design, in and of itself, is not the same as deconditioning. Deconditioning requires a more proactive approach to your own healing. Some people call it letting go, re-parenting, etc. Whatever the title, the goal is the same. But before you can do any of that, you have to understand conditioning itself. This is not discussed at all in any texts I have read or lectures I listened to in my studies.

So what is conditioning? How does conditioning happen? When we come into this world we start to experience life and interact with others. First it’s our caretakers and siblings and then teachers and peers. Something unpleasant or even traumatic may happen to us in our formidable years (age 0-21 are the most critical), and because we haven’t yet developed the ability to process what happened, our mind make it mean something that it doesn’t. This meaning is usually something negative about ourselves which creates negative emotions. These negative emotions get trapped inside our bodies and our psyche. Some of the most significant incidents can really take root and shape the person we show to the rest of the world.

These trapped emotions now live rent free inside of you. This can manifest as disease (both mental and physical illness) or it can cause blocks and unhealthy behavioral patterns. These blocks keep us from being able to have satisfying relationships, financial stability, a fulfilling career and so much more. The reason for this is that we hold ourselves back, keep people at arms length, and never speak our truth for fear of experiencing something similar to what happened in childhood. This is called self abandonment.

We think that abandoning ourselves will shield us, but the trapped emotions keep us suffering even if to the outside world we have created success in our lives. In fact, the driving force behind the “success” is often a compensation for our perceived shortcomings. No matter how much external validation we receive, we are left feeling even more disconnected, hollow, and disappointed . We chase the carrot of money and love because we are certain that if we get these things, those places inside won’t hurt so much anymore. But nothing in your life has longevity if it is created to compensate for your inner deficiencies. 

Human Design helps, by showing us who we truly are and we are able to reframe a lot of the pathologies we created about ourselves. It’s a permission slip to authentically express ourselves after years of hiding our true nature to outsmart the blocks we’ve created. The first reading is usually a huge breath of fresh air. It feels like a comforting hand on your shoulder telling you it’s all going to be ok. You finally understand that your mind created all of these issues and that it’s not your fault. The first year is a series of revelations and ‘ah hah’ moments. As you dive deeper you start to understand the not-self themes and the picture of how you’ve been conditioned becomes very clear. After this is when the REAL work begins...

So what is true deconditioning? The word ‘shattering’ has been used to describe what happens when one of your blocks is triggered which often causes a meltdown. This can happen at any time and with no warning. Sometimes I also use the visual of uprooting a stubborn weed. You have to yank it out by its roots to make sure it doesn’t grow back. It can feel like a violent jolt. If you truly want to clear these things for good, you must not run away. Facing these triggers head on is the only way to move on.

In my experience, the first 3.5 years is just a series of uprootings. It gets especially dicy when you get close to the halfway tipping point. This is when the mind holds on tighter than ever and in an attempt to sabotage you, it will become your worst enemy. It will say cruel and nasty things. You might decide to give up, but nothing can stop this unraveling.

The first half of this process is about deconstructing all of the obvious things you already know are holding you back. Addressing the relationships you grew up around, societal expectations and whatever else you are aware has kept you suffering.

The NEXT three and a half years are for uncovering the invisible blocks. This can be the most confronting, painful, and difficult part. But man is it cathartic. And THIS is when you have to co create your own healing because you won’t find these blocks unless you really dig. There are so many layers to get through. At the foundation of all this pain is the scariest layer of all: shame.  You might have heard healers talk about shame before, and perhaps you couldn’t really relate to this word. You might think because you can’t relate to it you don’t have any shame. Everyone has shame, it’s the thing buried in the deepest parts of you that are so hidden you can’t see it yet. When you hit this layer you will KNOW it’s shame because this is a dark night of the soul. And as fucking harrowing as it is, you have to feel it...again. 

Somatically re-experiencing your shame is the only way to release what is making you suffer. It is a short term, sharp pain. It releases the dull, unrelenting pain of what the shame is causing in EVERY part of your life. Sometimes releasing this results in illness, sobbing, or pain in the body as it makes its way out. Your body is trying to hold on. The shame has become a familiar kind of security over the years. You don’t know who you are without it. When you let it go, you might be left with a vacant, empty feeling.

This is when you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That empty feeling might last a while, but now you get to fill the emptiness with something new. THIS is what it means to forgive yourself. To accept yourself. When you un-shame yourself you can step into your true role and find your fractal. When shame no longer rules your life, everything becomes lighter, easier, more joyful. It feels like relaxing into an old familiar chair. This is who you were always meant to be. This is who you are without conditioning.

You might be asking yourself, who would sign up for this? Ra said that he was looking for wolves and not sheep. This process is not for the faint of heart. You will be devastated, hopeless, frustrated, isolated and scared throughout this process. It might feel at times like the pain will never end. It will. This pain is a portal. It’s a seven year rebirth. Your tears will flow like rivers, releasing the memories with which you created the avatar you’ve been walking around in. Then, one day, the tears will stop, and you will be free.

If Human Design found you, it is not a coincidence. You have no choice now but to enter into your own experiment and get to healing. The world needs the deconditioned version of you for the future. This is why I created The ‘Be’ Hive. Don’t let the snappy name fool you! It is a space for WARRIOR women who take their healing seriously. They are not afraid to look their own demons in the eye and go toe to toe with their own psyche. It is a support system for this messy and often painful process. When you are ready to join your warrior sister, you know where to find us.