It’s Time we Talk about CompHet

It's time we talk about something called CompHet. Never heard of it? I hadn't either until recently, but it is extremely relevant to EVERYONE who is attempting to decondition with Human Design. You see, CompHet stands for Compulsory Heterosexuality which essentially means that you default to being straight especially as a woman. Society at large just assumes that you are heterosexual (unless it is extremely obvious that you aren't). This then leads many women to live their lives not knowing they are in fact gay.

So you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with me? A LOT! Because if we can be completely oblivious to something as important as our sexual orientation, what else is in that blind spot? What else are we defaulting to?

Growing up I was a girly girl. Pink and purple were my favorite colors and I loved wearing dresses and playing princess. But I also loved climbing tree, playing in the dirt, and wresting with my brothers. In fact, we used to all watch Wrestlemania together, which just seemed like a natural byproduct of growing up with boys.
As I got older I chose a career in fashion design. I loved wearing high heels and I put makeup on every day without exception. But I ended up working in visual merchandising where we would use power tools and built sets. My whole team were men.

Do you see where I'm going with this? 

When I realized I was gay, I was the LAST to know. My partner giggles at me whenever I share a new piece of information with her (like the fact that I used to make my mom take me to the Chicago car show every year). She raises an eyebrow and asks "are you suuuurrree you didn't know?" It’s a little joke between the two of us, because obviously you can be a woman who loves cars and still be attracted to men.

We are so quick to put people in a box. I like pink so I must be straight. CompHet actually helped me to understand that while I am on the femme side of the spectrum, I am very attracted to masculinity. But masculinity is not exclusively relegated to men. It can be found in women, because we all cary aspects of both energies. I, myself, carry a lot of masculine energy.

One of the most amazing things about realizing that I was in love with a woman is that I got to throw the traditional gender roles out the window. I had learned from an early age that men were here to chase me and I had to play coy for them. Boy did I master the art of seduction. Perfectly balancing the withholding strategy with the flirtatiousness of my feminine whiles. When you are hiding the truth even from yourself, you must master the the game and I had become a master. It was extremely humbling to realize I knew nothing when faced with the task of creating connection with a woman. All my old “tricks” had to go.

I had to be upfront and completely transparent about what I wanted for the first time. I had no more games to play, just baring my soul to someone, trusting that she would keep my heart safe because I had no other choice. I became the pursuer for the first time since I was rejected by a boy at a homecoming for asking him to dance. It felt natural and so much more simple than all the acting I had to do. I could stop pretending to be a damsel in distress. My masculinity was finally able to shine, which in tern balanced her feminine side. She had to get used to having doors opened for her and she had to accept that I would be shoveling snow right along side her. I ask her for help without hesitation, and I allow myself to cry freely whenever I need to release. My emotions are always protected and sacred.

I have never felt more myself, and I have never felt more held. I am not saying this is for everyone, I am saying this is my truth and somewhere beneath all the projections and expectations you can find yours too.

THIS is why I am so adamant that deconditioning is different for women. As I dig deeper into the concept of CompHet, I am confounded by the complexity. It turns out that many women are met with skepticism even when they do find the courage to come out as bi or a lesbian. This not my personal experience, which I found rather surprising given my history of being “boy crazy.” Instead, a lot of my friends just shrugged and said “makes sense.” None the less, I have heard many stories on social media of women being told “you just haven’t found the right man yet.” This is shocking considering nobody would ever inform a man he was wrong about being gay.

Another phenomenon that I did not expect from my own coming out story is the borage of women reaching out and confessing their own stories of loving another woman. They are either currently dating or in the past dated another woman and simply never told anyone. Femme presenting women (ninja lesbians) simply say it’s easier to move through the world allowing everyone to believe they are straight. I can understand that as I have already encountered some pretty intense homophobia from the most unlikely places. It seems even the spiritual community is not immune to bigotry and fear.

None the less, I am a role model who has vowed to live my life out loud no matter how confusing or messy it may seem at times. That actually IS what this incarnation is about. I see every struggle as an opportunity to learn and grow, and this particular part of my life is something I want to celebrate. I see pictures of myself with my partner and am blown away by the twinkle in my eyes. I haven’t smiled like that since I was a little girl. I feel like a void that I didn’t know existed has been filled, I no longer feel lonely on this earth.

THIS is the kind of freedom I wish for everyone!