My Depth is my Superpower
Comparison is the thief of joy. I have known this for a long time, and yet I find myself comparing myself to other coaches and spiritual teachers all the time. I’ve often wished that I could be more carefree and goofy like the others. If I could just twerk for my audience they could see how deconditioned I am. If I could wear a bikini on social media it would prove that I love myself. The truth is, none of these things have ever felt aligned. Because the real me is much deeper than that. I don’t want to be free like them, I want to be free like me.
My sun personality position is gate 48. This is the gate of depth, the well. It is in line 6 which is called “self fulfillment.” It is an undiminishable resource for wisdom and can see the patterns of the collective in a profound way. This is the depth I’ve been hiding for fear that it is “too much” for people. That my heaviness is unwelcome. That what I see is too intense for people to digest. But I can hide no more.
Ra called gate 48 the gate of black magic. Not because it is evil, but because the well has some very dark pools of wisdom that are not of this world. What I see reaches far deeper than the things I’ve learned in this lifetime. And as a role model on the roof, I can see the big picture.
My first shock of awakening happened in a self development program called Landmark. During my first 3 day weekend, people were encouraged to stand up and share a life experience that they are struggling with. At one point two men were on the podium ready to share their story. The first man stood up and spoke about his upbringing in and out of foster care, living on the street, drug abuse, and finally prison. He was in this program thanks to a friend who had paid his way. The next man got up and spoke about his marriage. Him and his wife were fighting because they could not agree on how to raise their 4 year old son (their biggest disagreement was about his bath time). This man was educated, well dressed, and spoke of his cars and homes and successful career. But none of it mattered to him, because he was afraid of losing his wife. He wept in front of a room full of strangers. The other man, fresh out of prison, put his hand on the man’s shoulder for comfort. What was wrong with this picture?
It was in this moment, witnessing this stark contrast, that I realized I wasn’t alone, and yet how fragile we all are. We don’t have to be foster children or recovering addicts to be in agony. It was comforting to see that even successful people struggle, and yet it opened my eyes to the fact that success does not insulate any of us from pain. I used to believe that trauma was relegated to physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. The truth is we experience traumas all the time. Failing a test can be a trauma, getting rejected at the school dance can be a trauma, losing a soccer match can be a trauma. Not because of what happens, but what we make it mean about ourselves. We start to feel shame, we start to feel unseen, we start to feel rejected and abandoned. THIS is conditioning.
These are the kinds of memories that live in our psyche, and our mind develops ways to compensate so we never have to experience them again. We develop addictions to cope, we have unhealthy relationships to try and feel worthy. We get bamboozled by false prophets and give our power away to corporations and other organizations. We will do anything, follow anyone, believe anything just so we can feel better. So the voices in our heads might be a little bit kinder.
So how did humanity get here? Why is our planet in such a state of suffering? According to Human Design it’s because we evolved. In 1781 we went from being 7 centered beings (think of the traditional chakras) to 9 centered. We are a new (more sensitive) consciousness living in an old system. The 7 centered beings created every system we use today: religion, education, money etc. It was a hierarchy built on everyone serving a greater whole for survival. The needs of the individual weren’t secondary; they were non-existent. That’s not who we are anymore, we are 9 centered and we need a new way. We need individuality, self expression, and an inclusive existence with a gentler touch. No more rat race, no more climbing the ladder. No more fighting to survive. No more greed. None of it is working, so how do we fix it?
Now this is the part of my spiel where I am supposed to give you the answer, but I don’t have one. That’s some outdated guru trip. I don’t know and I don’t know if I will ever know. All I do know is that there is a way to feel more comfortable in your OWN skin. There is a way to be more aligned within yourself so you can watch this outdated mess with compassion and love instead of judgment and remorse. To see the beauty of life even when there is so much pain. To create connections that nourish you instead of bonds that depleted your life force. To live every day, even the bad ones, with gratitude. But there is no quick fix, and nobody else is responsible for getting you there.
You alone hold the key to your own freedom, and yet it takes 7 years to even meet the person you were designed to be. This is not an easy road. I am done telling you it is. Human Design is the red pill, and deconditioning is the goo you wake up in (hopefully you get that Matrix reference). The truth is ugly and inconvenient, but I prefer it to lies or half truths any day.
As I was writing this, I was trying to figure out how to round this out with something positive and upbeat. What if I make a joke…would that help? Is now the time I offer my leadership and tell you that I alone hold the key to your deconditioning? NOPE!
What I am seeing for the first time is that I am not a leader. I’m not even a teacher. I am simply a container that is big enough to hold your truth. I have a tool to help guide your own self discovery, and I am strong enough to support you on this journey. Nothing is too hard to look at, nothing is too ugly to see. I am not afraid to go deep. I am not afraid of your darkness. My black magic was made for this. This is the new leader, this is the new teacher. I am not interested in the old ways, I only want what’s new and what’s next.
