Spirituality is Not a Reward System

I am the child of immigrant parents, and as such there has always been a pressure on me to “make something of myself.” Not because my parents couldn’t, quite the contrary. My father is a tenure professor of theoretical computer science at the University of Chicago and my mother holds a PhD in child psychology. They are high achieving people who expected us (my brothers and I) to be the same. To add to this conditioning, we attended the prestigious private school called The University of Chicago Laboratory School. This was a school for the high achieving kids of high achieving parents; the children of professors, surgeons, lawyers, and businessmen. 

This was the first place I became aware of the stark contrast between my family’s financial status vs those of my classmates. I was at this school on a scholarship because of my father, while others were being chauffeured around in limos and had nannies looking after them. One of my friends had her own floor in their mansion while my brothers shared a room in our apartment.

It was hard to watch my peers get everything they desired and being taken on tropical vacations every spring break. I vowed to myself I would never have this problem. I promised myself that as an adult I would BE someone important and fabulous. Someone who had it all and then some. I have the channel of money in my chart, which happens to be a manifesting channel. This has been the driving force of my energy for most of my life, but the truth is, that is not the energy of my inner authority, my sacral is.


At first I tried making my fortune by working in fashion. I’ve got news for you, nobody makes money in that industry. Then I tried to become self made by opening a beauty studio at a time when the beauty industry was thriving thanks to social media. This went bust after almost 5 years in business. The collapse of my business was a devastating blow to my ego and my pride. Right before I met Human Design was the first time I decided to surrender. I needed a break from trying to bulldoze through my life. I was sick of initiating, and I was exhausted. I started working at a wellness center in NYC without any expectation of an outcome. I was in the middle of declaring bankruptcy and I didn’t even have the energy to care anymore. My hands were off the steering wheel. This is when HD found me.

When I got my initial reading, one of the first things my teacher said to me is that I can never have a boss. I threw my hands in the air and shouted “I KNOW!!” He chuckled and moved on. At the end of the reading, as I stared at him speechless, he turned to me and said the following words: I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but I think I’ve been waiting for someone like you for 10 years. Do you want to work with me?

UH HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This system was IT. I had never felt so certain about anything. I figured that if I could channel the same energy I used to try and get rich doing something superficial into something meaningful, there was no way I could fail. In other words I was trying to “make it” by doing it the right way this time. I dove in head first and not much time passed before I quit my job at the wellness center. My boss there was driving me crazy anyway ; ).

Genetic Yoga was born. I would spend the next 3 years learning Human Design and working on this with a singular focus. We had big plans for world domination. I created a beautiful social media presence and a weekly newsletter for the weather report. I learned to do web design and made a sleek and user friendly website. Eventually we launched our subscription platform with live calls and lots of HD content for people to consume. We had big dreams and high expectations as Genetic Yoga started to grow. 

Then, I started being called to do my own readings and create my own practice. I did so with the full intention of doing both. But alas, my energy started flowing more towards my own business. I put up a website, switched my social media account to a business account and started marketing and networking with other professionals. Fast forward to June of 2022, I was invited to speak at the High Desert Human Design conference. I had ARRIVED! I was being recognized by my peers as a person who has sufficient Human Design knowledge and a unique perspective to share. My mind told me that when I got to the conference I would finally feel like I MADE IT.

Spoiler alert…it didn’t feel that way at all. I felt like I was right back at my ritzy private school where it seemed like everyone had more than me. More followers, more clients, more accolades, more recognition. None of the “cool kids” showed up for my talk, and even though I am very proud of what I created, it didn’t magically catapult my business in the way I had hoped it would. This shook me to my core.

I look back at this whole Human Design journey and I have to laugh. I’ve been trying to MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN the same way I was before. I was waiting for my reward, the one that every spiritual business coach promises will come if you just follow your soul’s purpose. What a joke. Going to Santa Fe didn’t prove that I had arrived, it only proved that I have a long way to go.

The mind has a very tricky way of making you believe that you are surrendering and in flow even when you’re not. My hands had slowly crept back up onto the steering wheel and I was white knuckling through my life once more. It took me 4 years of NOT following my strategy and authority to see that I wasn’t. I had to recognize that I was frustrated once again, and that this was not in alignment. Because you don’t do Human Design with an expectation of an outcome. That’s not what it’s for.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t all a mistake. My desire to be of service by sharing Human Design was placed deep within my soul. What I am letting go of is the “how.” My hands are off the wheel and I am giving it to god. Whatever will be will be. All I know is I haven’t been this relaxed in months (with the occasional nervous breakdown cuz my mind is freaking out). I have to stop beating myself up for not being the overnight success story you read about. My reward (if I have to call it that) is that I have touched people’s lives. That is not a quantifiable thing in society, but it’s worth everything.

This conference reminded me that “making it” is completely subjective and that my attachment to a certain kind of success was sucking the joy out of life. Social media and getting clients had become my boss. I’ve come full circle back to where I was 4+ years ago when I decided to allow life to unfold and I can’t wait to see what kind of magic happens next.